Spiletta42's Fanfiction

Apparently these things need to be said. I wouldn't have guessed it, but then I spent a few days reading fanfiction in a few certain fandoms. So here goes.

Plausibility For Dummies

  1. The Air Force does not throw mandatory costume parties at top secret military bases. Not even on Halloween.
  2. The Air Force does not throw mandatory costume parties at the White House. Not even on Valentine's Day.
  3. Ancient Egyptians did not invent strip poker.
  4. Having sex with your commanding officer's teenage clone IS worse than having sex with your commanding officer.
  5. Soul mates or not, eight long years or not, no woman would have sex at her father's funeral.
  6. If the people responsible for protecting the planet spent all their time fretting about their love lives, the planet would have blown up by now.
  7. In love or not, people who have called each other by their military ranks for eight years will probably require more than three minutes of adjustment before calling each other "snookums" and "honeybear," especially in public.
  8. Speaking of "honeybear" it bears saying, apparently, that no girl wants her boyfriend calling her by the same pet name that her late grandmother gave her.
  9. The laws of physics: look into them. Please.
  10. Sex is not the cure for anything. Not viruses. Not demon possession. Not even the complex emotional scars left by that time you saw Mommy kissing Santa Claus.
  11. Freezing to death isn't really as sexy as you might think. Really.
  12. An incorrectly prepared cup of coffee really isn't a reason to break off an engagement.
  13. Military officers rarely pass love notes during mission briefings.
  14. REO Speedwagon lyrics? Really?
  15. Pon farr only affects Vulcans, and they aren't real.
  16. It is irresponsible to use a time machine to arrange a sexual liaison.
  17. Doors have locks.
  18. If one needs a particular drug to live, one would probably not leave the planet without packing an adequate supply.
  19. Vampires don't have a pulse, thundering or otherwise.
  20. In the military, promotions in rank are not celebrated with an orgy of any kind.
  21. No one over the age of twenty has ever wondered what it would be like if they had attended the same high school as all of their coworkers.
  22. Evil aliens would probably be too busy to bother to force humans to have sex with each other.
  23. There is no logical reason to take one's commanding officer along when shopping for underwear. And if one happens to be shopping with one's commanding officer, perhaps new undies can wait.
  24. Evil aliens bent on the destruction of Earth, when given the opportunity to use advanced mind control on a leader of Earth's military, would not use said opportunity to sabotage kitchen appliances.
  25. Being caught under the mistletoe, by quaint old tradition, suggests a chaste kiss or a peck on the cheek, and said decoration can even can be ignored without consequence. Said quaint old tradition is not a sacred blood oath to paw at the other party and stick one's tongue down their throat, regardless of circumstances, consequences, good manners, or plain common sense.
  26. Typically, an individual with a PhD in astrophysics tends to know something about astrophysics.
  27. People do not return from the dead after a year and a half just to pass out condoms.
  28. Yes, the military has certain protocols, but it's unlikely that holding hands will result in a court martial.
  29. Of all the things the military might be hiding at Area 51, the least likely must be elves.
  30. Finding out that your high school guidance counselor is in fact an FBI agent is not a good reason to hit on her.
  31. Finding out that your local Congresswoman is in fact an alien is not a good reason to hit on her. In fact, it's probably a darn good reason to leave her alone altogether.
  32. Most CIA agents possess enough emotional control to not give away secrets of national security while having a screaming fight with their lover in a Denny's.
  33. When a rogue government agency designs genetically enhanced super-soldiers, they generally focus on enhancing qualities useful in combat, such as strength and good vision, as opposed to other things of a more personal nature.
  34. Top secret military bases responsible for the safety of the entire planet do not close down for holidays, leaving a single officer to take down the mistletoe. In fact, they probably don't hang mistletoe at all.
  35. Robots, computers, and droids are not homosexual, bisexual, or heterosexual. The word you are searching for here is 'asexual' as they are not biological entities.
  36. One's own clone is not a suitable sexual partner under any circumstances. Same goes for transporter duplicates and time displaced future (or past) versions of oneself.
  37. When the person you love is lying in a hospital bed, possibly dying of some mysterious alien virus, accidentally catching a glimpse of their chest hair, or cleavage, or what have you, is not actually a turn-on.
  38. Spaceships are not cheaper and easier to find than condoms.


© Spiletta42 2006.