Not Even Memories

by Spiletta42


Rating: ST-17™©


printer friendly

Warnings: Rated ST-17™© for explicit sexual content. Shades of the Aliens Made Them Do It plot contrivance.

Categories: Ship, Het, Angst, Romance, PWP, AMTDI

Pairings: Janeway/Chakotay

Characters: Janeway, Chakotay

Spoilers: None

A/N: Written as my entry in the Spring 2002 Blue Alert fanfic contest. It didn't win. Set anytime between Hunters and Endgame.

Disclaimer: Paramount owns the universe, but you knew that.

Not Even Memories

"Some beings approach who are in need of our assistance," the young woman announced solemnly.

Her companion nodded in agreement. "I feel it as well. There are two in particular who could benefit greatly from a night's lodging here."

"I will hail them."

"Captain, we are receiving a hail."

"Onscreen." Captain Kathryn Janeway exchanged a look with her first officer as she stood.

A young alien woman with somewhat feline features appeared on the viewscreen. "Greetings, alien vessel. We welcome you to Lao-Naia space and hope you will take the time to visit our planet. I am Ambassador Blai."

"Thank you for the invitation, Ambassador. I am Captain Kathryn Janeway of the Federation starship Voyager. We would welcome the chance to visit your world."

Arrangements were made and a course was set. Janeway retired to her ready room, and Commander Chakotay followed.

"Are they too friendly or am I growing cynical?" she asked immediately.

"They seem too friendly. But they're willing to trade and we do need some supplies."

Janeway sighed. They always needed supplies. There were times when she was seriously sick of this journey. Too few supplies, too many hostile aliens, too many tough choices, no personal life.

She turned to the replicator and ordered them each a coffee.

"Two sugars, Kathryn," he said.

As always, she ignored his request and handed him a coffee with one sugar. And as always, he didn't push the issue.

Chakotay watched his captain with concern, recognizing her discontent. Not for the first time, he wished she would take the shoulder he was always offering. And, he admitted to himself, he wished she'd take a few other things he had offered long ago.

But as long as she was his captain, they couldn't cross that line. Someday. But not now. Not on the ship. Not in this quadrant.

Janeway surprised herself when she decided to beam down to the planet with Chakotay instead of Tuvok. A captain and first officer on the same away mission, alone, and in a first contact situation. Well, it wasn't exactly Starfleet by the book. Later, she would have to admit that she had no idea why she had done such a thing.

Chakotay, for his part, wasn't complaining. He knew, in a vague sort of way, that he probably should have questioned her. It was his job, especially when her actions seemed to lack a certain logic. But he didn't say anything. And, rather oddly, neither did Tuvok.

The planet's inhabitants were hospitable enough. They weren't subjected to long, stuffy diplomatic formalities, slavering fanfare, pushy merchants, hostility of any kind, or even the overenthusiastic friendliness that had sometimes signaled trouble in the past.

After dinner had been eaten and some trading arrangements had been made, Ambassador Blai interrupted the casual socializing with the offer of a gift.

"A gift?" Janeway asked.

"I cannot explain. I must show you."

The command team exchanged a glance. Something wasn't quite right; it didn't feel dangerous, and yet that was precisely the problem. It should have.

"You are wise to be cautious," their host said. "But please, trust me for just a moment.

They complied, unwilling to offend their host. She showed them to a cabin, set back in the woods on the edge of the city. They followed her inside.

"It is a night's lodging," Blai said. "And yet it is far more. There is an anomaly in this place. Once you walk back out that door, you will remember nothing of the time you spent inside this building."

Janeway and Chakotay exchanged a glance.

"Whatever you say to each other tonight, in this place, will never go farther because even you will not know what happened here. There will be no need to promise you will never mention certain events because neither of you will possess the memories of those events. There is a certain freedom to be found in a night of no consequences."

The implications were all too clear. Janeway locked eyes with Chakotay. Could they allow themselves this? How could they? And yet, how could they not?

Neither noticed when Blai left. They stared at each other. She was trembling. The longing he had kept hidden for so long showed plainly on his face.

Oddly, neither of them questioned the validity of Blai's statement. Both left their tricorders untouched, distracted from logical action by their emotions.

"Dance with me," Chakotay suggested softly.

Only then did Janeway notice the soft music playing in the cabin. The word protocol floated through her head, but for once it had no hold on her. A powerful sense of freedom filled her and she stepped into his arms.

He enfolded her against his chest. That was where she belonged, close to his heart. His eyes drifted closed and he rested his cheek against her soft hair. The smell of her shampoo filled his nostrils and he cherished the moment as feelings long suppressed were allowed to rise and swell within him.

She looked up at him and her breath caught as she witnessed all that he felt for her reflected in his handsome face.



Their lips met.

It was a tender kiss, full of meaning. Lips traveled slowly, tugged gently, as hands slid through hair and bodies pressed together.

Lips parted, and they stood clinging to one another for support. He opened his eyes to gaze at her. "I love you."

A tremor ran through her at the words. Her hand came up to wipe the moisture from his cheek. "I love you, too."

"Oh Kathryn." He clutched her to his chest and pressed a kiss to the top of her head. "Do you know how long I've waited to hear that?"

"As long as I've waited to say it. I had hoped that you knew. I knew."

"I thought that you did. I hoped that you did. But I wanted to hear it; to say it. I love you, Kathryn. So much. So very much."

They held each other and savored the moment.

Eventually, she broke the silence. "Make love with me."

"Are you sure?"

"Never been more sure of anything."

His lips descended to caress hers once again. Her hands were already opening his uniform; tugging his shirt from his pants; sliding underneath the fabric to reach up and caress hot skin.

Her tongue tangled with his as their kiss deepened. She felt an urgency that surprised her. Now. It had to be now, and any delay would surely kill her. Passion overtook tenderness and she sucked on his tongue; tugged frantically at his clothing; reached to grasp his rigid length through the fabric of his uniform trousers.

He wanted to tell her to slow down; they had all night, after all, but her impatience was contagious. They had both waited so long. He returned her kiss fiercely.

They sank to the floor. She had managed to divest him of his uniform, for the most part, and she struggled to tear off her own clothing without breaking their kiss.

His hand slid up under her turtleneck to caress her back. She straddled him and pulled the shirt off over her head. Two sets of frantic hands fumbled with the clasp of her bra.

His erection pressed against her bottom, and she shuffled backwards to rock herself on it. Then he was on top of her, tugging at her pants and reaching inside. His fingers slid through wet, swollen territory to rub the centre of her desire, and she cried out as her orgasm crashed through her. So quick. So intense.

"Please." She reached for his pulsing member. "I need you, Chakotay. Now."

Years of fantasy, all his visions of slow and tender lovemaking, were replaced in a moment by his desperate need for completion. He tugged at her pants again, and she raised her hips to assist him.

He immersed himself within her, groaning at the tightness of her velvety walls. Her legs rose to wrap around his waist and she reached to pull his head down to her lips. Her hands slid up and down his back as she kissed him hungrily.

It was all too much. He couldn't possibly last long enough for her. He didn't dare move lest it all be over.

Impatient, she thrust her hips against him and he finally began to move. "Faster," she demanded huskily, grasping his firm buttocks in a desperate attempt to urge him on.

He couldn't have denied her if he had tried. He began to thrust. She was shouting his name; he was sobbing hers. Their movements lost all control, and her inner muscles clenched around him in a second climax, triggering his explosion.

They clung to each other, sweaty and disheveled, still intimately joined, upon the hard floor of the alien cabin. Clothing they hadn't quite managed to remove dangled from their legs. Their faces were red and stained with tears. The scene held none of the idealized perfection of a holonovel, but there had been nothing artificial about their frantic coupling. It had completed them both.

"Kathryn," he whispered. "Kathryn, my love." He raised himself slightly to cover her face with emotional kisses.

She responded eagerly, seeking his lips with her own. They shared a long, sensual kiss.

He started to get up.

She tightened her grip on him. "No, don't leave me."

He laughed softly. "I could never leave you, Kathryn. I belong to you. But I suspect that there's a bed around here somewhere, and I think we should find it."

"Can't argue with that." She let him pull her to her feet. She froze to marvel at his well toned muscles and smooth, golden skin. That chest; how she had dreamed of tasting that chest.

His eyes were busy, too, taking in the sight before him. Creamy white skin; hard, lean muscles over a deceptively petite frame; remarkable legs; perfect breasts. "Kathryn," he breathed. "You are so beautiful."

"Not really. But I'm glad you think so."

"Oh but you are. You're perfect, Kathryn."

She grinned. "So are you, Chakotay." She slid her hands up his chest. "Most definitely perfect." She stretched to kiss him once again.

For long minutes the yet undiscovered bed was forgotten. Hands traveled slowly over shivering skin as tongues dueled gently.

She grinned as his erection prodded her belly. Her mouth blazed a trail down his chest, her tongue circling a flat male nipple with deliberate intent.

"Kathryn," he murmured, his hands caressing her trim waist.

Her fingers skimmed down his back to explore the contours of his splendid posterior. Her tongue continued its cartographic mission, leaving not a centimeter of his glorious chest untasted.

He sighed, his entire body buzzing with pleasure at her actions. Those were Kathryn's hands, sliding over his skin. That was Kathryn's tongue, teasing him so exquisitely. Those were Kathryn's lips, pressing wet kisses to his chest.



"Shall we find that bed?"

She grinned up at him. "All in good time, my love."

He gasped as her hand slid down to stroke his shaft. Her fingers expertly located the sensitive spot on the underside, causing him to shudder.

"Perhaps we should find that bed," she said.

He kissed her in response and looked around for the first time. A single door led out of the room. Fortunately, it did indeed lead to the bedroom.

Their lips met again and they tumbled onto the bed together. Chakotay's lips left hers to nibble her throat. She threw back her head and gasped. Her hands danced through his hair, encouraging him lower.

He reached to caress the side of one breast. His touch electrified her. Her skin remembered every point of contact. She ached to be with him fully once again. Her fingers again found his erection, but he pulled away from her grasp.

"Lie still, my darling, and let me love you properly." He lowered his mouth to take a nipple between his lips.

She whimpered, squirming impatiently at his ministrations. "Please..."

His hand lightly stroked her inner thigh and he lifted his head to study her face. All the times he had watched her over the years, he wouldn't have thought it possible for her to look even more beautiful. He realized now that he would have been wrong; her look of passion took his breath away.

He pressed kisses to her belly, moving lower at a leisurely pace. His tongue delved into her naval even as his fingers teased soft curls.

"Chakotay, please..."

His mouth traveled lower. He gently kissed her thigh. She gasped, tense with anticipation. She cried out when his fingers parted tender flesh.

"Chakotay, please..."

"Please what, my love?" His hot breath tickled against her moist skin as he spoke.

"Don't tease. I need you."

"You have me." He lowered his mouth to taste her.

She gasped and writhed beneath the gentle explorations of his talented lips and tongue. He took her centre between his lips, sucking gently, and she lost all control. She bucked against him and sobbed in ecstasy.

His tongue flicked over her aching bundle of nerves, and the contact sent her over the edge. Her hips rose off of the bed and her whole body shuddered in pleasure as she climaxed.

"Come here," she gasped when she was able. She kissed him hard, then rose up to push him onto his back.

Her mouth traveled down his chest; she struggled to keep her progress slow. She wrapped her fingers around his twitching length, and bent her head to circle the sensitive head with her tongue.

He groaned in pleasure and she grinned. "Like that, do you?"

"Spirits, Kathryn," he managed.

She wrapped her lips around him with enthusiasm. Her tongue pressed upward against him. When he moaned her name, she drew back to create suction.

"Kathryn, stop."

Her hand grazed teasingly up and down his thigh, then reached to stroke his balls. She felt a new rush of moisture between her legs at his obvious enjoyment.

"Kathryn," he gasped. "Please stop."

Reluctantly, she released him and kissed her way back up his chest. She straddled him, kissed him deeply, and sank down to take him into her body again.

She watched his face, and tears came to her eyes at the thought that this might be their only time together. They wouldn't even remember this; the most important event in her life, and she wouldn't even know it happened. His eyes opened, and they smiled sadly at one another.

"I love you, Chakotay. I wish I could tell you that under different circumstances. I love you."

"I love you, too." He took her hand and laced their fingers together. "I will always love you."

She closed her eyes, concentrating on the throbbing of his member within her. She began to move, rising and falling methodically.

They couldn't maintain the slow pace. Their movements became frantic as they shouted their climaxes together. They lay in each other's arms, both dreading the coming dawn.

"I knew that I wanted you the moment you stepped between Tom and I on the bridge, that first time. I knew that I respected you, and would serve you with pride, the moment you gave the order to destroy the Caretaker's array. My feelings towards you grew as our friendship developed, and I don't know exactly when I fell in love with you, because now it feels like I've always loved you. But I know when I first realized it."


"We were on the bridge, and you said something I'll never forget."


"You'll laugh.

"Tell me."

"There's coffee in that nebula." He smiled fondly. "When you said that, I knew that I loved you."

"Wow," she said softly, remembering the incident which had inspired the comment. "That long ago?"

"Yes, that long ago," he answered.

She kissed the hot flesh beneath her cheek. "I want to remember this."

"I know. So do I."

"It's best that we can't."

"I know."

"A choice?" Chakotay demanded. His voice conveyed the anger they both felt at this news. "You said we wouldn't remember. There was no mention of a choice."

Blai cocked her head. "Why are you angry? You may still choose not to remember. If that is your desire, nothing has changed."

"But it has," Chakotay replied. He didn't try to explain what he meant. Kathryn remained uncharacteristically silent.

When they were alone again he turned wordlessly and pulled her into his arms. He knew what they would choose; what they had to choose. They both knew.

Then she surprised him. "You remember, Chakotay. You remember for both of us. I could never doubt your love for me; I never have. You show it in so many ways. But I've given you so many reasons to doubt what I feel for you, and I don't want you to have to wonder ever again. I love you. I want you to know that I love you."

"Are you sure?"

"Yes. I can't afford to keep this memory, although I want to with all my heart. But I can't take it from you. I don't want to take it from you. And I really don't think I need to take it from you. Tell me about it, when we get back to the Alpha Quadrant. Okay?"

"If you're sure."

"I am. Promise you'll tell me every detail, once we reach Federation space."

"I promise, Kathryn. One more kiss?"

"One more kiss, my love. One more. Never forget that I love you."

"And I love you. You may not be able to remember this, Kathryn, but I won't ever let you doubt that I love you, too."


A gift from Dakota.

Spiletta42's J/C Fanfiction

This transformative work constitutes a fair use of any copyrighted material as provided for in section 107 of the US Copyright Law. Star Trek™©, Star Trek: The Next Generation™©, Star Trek: Voyager™© and related properties exist as Registered Trademarks of Paramount Pictures. No copyright infringement intended. No profits made here. © Spiletta42, May 2002.