Grandpa Henley's Sayings

"Translate twice. Marry once."


"Be where you are."

Filling the Void

"All the trouble started when people got too lazy to slice their own bread."

"Opposites don't always attract, but when they do you'll save a fortune at the movie house."

Gossip in the Sand

"There is no such thing as a dead atheist."

The Quiet Type

"Lit candles and loose livestock don't mix."

"Never engage Russia in a land war in the middle of winter."

"There's nothing to fear but apathy itself."

The Quiet Type

"Brush your teeth before you put on lipstick."

"When traveling, men like to make good time. Women like to enjoy the journey."

"Laziness is essential for the advance of technology."

"Pornography doesn't need to rhyme."

Tale of the Turbolift

"You know what they say about curiosity: It routinely puts Mulder in a coma."

"The quality of a party can always be judged by what needs to be gotten out of the carpeting in the morning."

"God doesn't file His plans with the local zoning office."

The Quiet Type

"The fact that someone has a favorite opera is probably more revealing than is which opera they choose."

"It's only a rescue if you wait til the last minute. Otherwise, you're just playing taxi."

"Drinking alone is best done in groups of two or more."

The Quiet Type

"There will be times in your life when it's a good day if you manage to take a shower without getting soap in both eyes."

"Life is a sexually transmitted disease."

"You probably don't want to use a health insurance carrier that plays Closer My God to Thee as the hold music on their customer service line."

"Superior numbers mean nothing if one has faith."

The Quiet Type

"It's always the quiet ones who have the most of value to say."

The Quiet Type

"Sanity is a myth."


"If you don't routinely behave like a rabid howler monkey on crack you won't get confused with one."

"Without forgiveness, the entire human race would sleep on the couch."

unfinished fic by Jade East.

Disclaimer: Paramount might own Ensign Mariah Henley, but they don't own her wise old grandpa! I do, and most of his words are mine. Please do not reproduce without permission. If you need a Grandpa Henley quote for you fic, drop me a note at and I'll help you out.

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