Without Guilt by Spiletta42

Without Guilt

by Spiletta42




printer friendly

Warnings: Explicit sexual encounter between consenting adults.

Categories: Ship, Femslash, PWP

Pairings: Janeway/OFC

Characters: Janeway (primary), EMH, Chakotay, OCs

Spoilers: None

A/N: Written for the slash division of Astrogirl's Winter Magic. This is a prequel to Shayenne's beautiful piece End of the Rainbow.

Credits: Thank you to Cress for the beta help and all the encouragment to write something outside my usual scope. Thank you also to Shayenne, for letting me steal from her yet again, and thank you to Astrogirl, for hosting a contest that KJ won't enter.

Disclaimer: Paramount doesn't want this one.

Without Guilt

Kathryn Janeway looked at the hateful, and yet still not entirely unwelcome, PADD sitting on her dresser. The Doctor had beamed it there. She hadn't asked. She never asked. Sometimes, despite his insistence, she ignored them. But she didn't always ignore them.

Yes, despite the solitary life that protocol demanded, she did have desires. She was still a woman, beneath the captain's armor, and her body sometimes screamed for sex. Sometimes, it was possible to indulge that need. She couldn't accept the love so plainly offered by the man she really wanted, but she could allow herself brief, heated encounters with strangers on alien planets.

That was what the hated PADD represented. It was an Interspecies Relations Certificate. Starfleet's permission for a one-night stand. Protocol wouldn't allow a committed relationship with the man she loved. It did allow this.

She couldn't even smile at the irony, it hurt so much. Every time, she felt like she had betrayed Chakotay. She couldn't look him in the eye, not from the moment the PADD arrived in her quarters until at least a week after the encounter. Her body would be sated, but at the expense of her soul.

A dress. She went to her closet and made her selection. Not blue. She never wore blue for these shore leaves. When the clothes were laid out neatly, she headed for the shower. Had she been dining with Chakotay, she would have taken a bath; a pleasant beginning to a pleasant evening. For shore leave, though, it was always a sonic shower.

Hair. Loose, relaxed, soft. Approachable.

Makeup. She had the momentary urge to use too much, to dress the part of the whore. Before the Delta Quadrant, she had never had a one-night stand. There had been shy, fumbling teenage encounters with Cheb, then passionate nights of lovemaking with Justin, and finally her comfortable, if not earthshaking, physical relationship with Mark. Never this.

Tears came unbidden, for Mark, and for Justin, and yes, for Chakotay. She was about to betray him again. That he had spent similar shore leaves was little comfort to her. His whispered admission after one such encounter replayed itself in her mind. But she wasn't you.

She forced him to such encounters, with her adherence to protocol. The fault for both of their indiscretions was hers. She dried her tears, washed her face, and reapplied the makeup.

Tonight she would just sit at the bar and play the role. She might not attract the attention of a suitable man. Then she could return to her empty quarters to nurse her battered heart in peace.

She chose a city in the planet's southern hemisphere, currently in the grips of its winter season. A harsh, cold city whose weather reminded her of trips to Chicago in her childhood. The memory of walking home from a losing tennis match in a rainstorm rose unbidden in her mind. Why, she didn't know. The match hadn't been in Chicago.

The bar she chose wasn't quaint or cozy. Her seat by the door allowed the bitter wind to nip at her every time another patron entered.

She barely glanced at the men as they passed. They ignored her. Her attempt to appear approachable was insincere, and they could sense it. She radiated a cold not unlike that which held this dirty little city.

A woman entered. She was tall and slender, with long black hair that shone even in the bar's yellow light. Kathryn watched, expecting every man in the room to focus on this vision before them.

They didn't.

The bartender poured her drink without question. The woman was a regular here.

The woman turned her dark eyes in Kathryn's direction. She had been caught staring. She reached for her nearly empty glass, hoping perhaps that the woman would think she had merely been seeking the bartender's attention.

It didn't work. The woman smiled at her, and crossed the room to join her.

"May I?" she asked. But she was already seated.

Kathryn nodded, suddenly unable to speak.

"I am Alzena, and you are a woman who does not wish to find what she seeks."

Startled, she jerked her eyes upward to meet a pair of deep brown ones. She found her voice, or what she could of it. "Kathryn."

"Come with me, Kathryn, before you find what you do not want." Alzena reached across the table to touch her hand. "Come, tell me your story."

They walked together, silent, through the icy city streets. Kathryn, if not content to follow, was at least appreciative of an excuse to abandon the hunt. Alzena was right; she was glad she hadn't found what she had been seeking.

The sky threw sleet and snow down upon the city in equal measure. The wind then picked it up and flung it about, thoroughly soaking both Kathryn and her new companion.

Alzena turned down a walkway, sidestepping the larger puddles of dirty slush. She opened a door, and waved Kathryn inside. The house was small and cozy. A fire was burning in a corner fireplace, filling the room with warmth and flickering light.

Her hostess disappeared through a doorway, then returned quickly to hand her a garment not unlike a terrycloth robe. "Change out of those wet things, before you freeze. You may use that room, if you like."

She slipped into the bathroom, grateful for the chance to peel off the cold, soggy dress, and yet uneasy. She hadn't had many female friends, and the uncanny way this woman had read her mood in the bar wasn't the only thing different about her.

When she returned to the outer room, Alzena was waiting for her, similarly clothed and seated on the sofa before the fire. "Sit with me. Sit with me and tell me of this man that you love."

Kathryn stiffened. She couldn't, and yet, why not? This was not a member of her crew, or even someone remotely related to Starfleet. Her secret would be safe with this strange woman, tens of thousands of light years from San Francisco.

It was said that confession healed the soul. Perhaps this shore leave would not leave another scar upon hers. "I am the captain of a starship. By the laws of my culture, I cannot - "

"No. Do not tell me why you cannot have him. Tell me about him. Why do you love him?"

"He is kind and loyal and brave," she began. But no, as true as that was, as wonderful as those qualities were, they weren't the reason she loved Chakotay. Tuvok was kind and loyal and brave. "It isn't that he's handsome, although he is, or even that he loves me, which he does."

Alzena handed her a glass of something like wine. She took it gratefully. "He doesn't back down from me when we argue, and yet he never forces his opinions on me, either. He's always, always there when I need him...He's Chakotay. He's the other half of my soul."

She was staring down at the wineglass, lost in her thoughts of Chakotay. Her fingertip traced the rim of the glass absently. "I love him. I've never said that out loud before."

"He knows?"

Kathryn didn't hesitate. "Yes, yes he knows. And as soon as we can be together, we will be."

Alzena nodded. "And yet you came into the bar, looking for a man for gratification, a man who would use you and leave you feeling more empty than you had before?"

Kathryn stiffened again.

"Shh, I do not judge." Alzena's hand came to rest on her knee. "I understand desire. I am also without the one I love, and yet I have needs."

Alzena leaned closer, her voice soft and persuasive. "But I have a better answer; one that will not leave you feeling dirty and used. One that will not put guilt in your eyes when you look at the one you love."

Kathryn felt her pulse increase. She was both shocked and unsurprised by Alzena's next words.

"I will give you what you need. We will pleasure each other tonight."

Alzena's finger teased aside a corner of Kathryn's robe to lightly stroke the inside of her knee. "And you need not feel that you are betraying this man that you love so well." Alzena laughed softly. "It will be a story he will enjoy, when the occasion arises to tell him of it."

It was an arousing image, that of herself curled up with Chakotay, perhaps in front of a fire similar to this one, telling him of her encounter with this beautiful woman.

She had sometimes been vaguely curious about what it might be like, to share an intimate experience with another woman. It wasn't anything she had ever considered doing, but now that the opportunity was before her she had to admit she was tempted. She wouldn't even be on this planet if it weren't for her physical needs.

This was a way to satisfy those needs, and without the guilt she always felt when another man touched her. It would still be sex with a stranger, yet this was different somehow. She didn't analyze the feeling, sensing the fragility of the excuse.

Alzena was inching a solitary finger up her leg with the barest of touches. Folds of terrycloth parted slightly before the exploring digit.

Kathryn watched as the fire sent flickering shadows dancing across her exposed thigh. The caressing hand stopped, resting lightly against her.

"Let me give you what you need," Alzena said.

Kathryn nodded mutely, sure any words which escaped her dry throat would be lost beneath the pounding of her heart. The stroking of Alzena's hand resumed with soft, slow movements up and down her thigh.

"You are a beautiful woman, Kathryn." Alzena leaned closer, hot breath feathering against her neck. "I am eager to see all of you."

Alzena brushed a whisper of a kiss across Kathryn's lips. Her finger lightly traced the border of her robe, trailing soft fire across her throat, along her collarbone, and down to the valley between her breasts.

Two slender hands untied her robe. Although the garment hadn't moved from her body, she felt the exposure sharply. Alzena kissed her again, tugging gently at her lower lip. Her breath quickened as she parted her lips to admit a slender tongue.

The kiss was slow and thorough. Kathryn remained passive, letting Alzena explore her mouth completely. The other woman ran her tongue over her teeth and tickled the roof of her mouth before teasing her tongue into a slow, sensual dance.

Alzena kissed her neck, her tongue darting out to trace a path into the hollow at the base of her throat. Through it all, one hand continued to stroke her thigh. Kathryn surrendered to the unhurried seduction, allowing herself to enjoy the experience. She felt a nervous anticipation, but the nagging guilt was silent.

She brought one hand up to run through Alzena's long, silky hair. Briefly, she wondered at her willingness to let this woman take control. She wasn't one to be passive in bed. Then Alzena pushed her robe from her shoulders, and she wasn't able to think any longer. The fabric brushed across her tingling skin, tickling her shoulders and back. It rubbed across her nipples, feeling harsher on her pebbled flesh.

Alzena ran a hand over her shoulder before pressing her lips to the spot between her breasts. Kathryn gasped as the robe fell away and Alzena's slender fingers skated down over her creamy flesh, teasingly close to her aching nipples, before stroking her ribcage and stomach. Her craving for that touch grew steadily, until she almost wanted to beg for it. Would those dancing fingers never reach their destination?

"Such beautiful breasts, Kathryn. I want to taste them." Alzena was sitting back, looking at Kathryn's body with frank admiration. Her hand cupped a breast, and one thumb finally moved to tease a hard nipple. "Do you want me to taste them, Kathryn?"

"Yes," she managed. Her own voice sounded strange in her ears.

The other woman's hot mouth descended at last, her tongue circling before she took the hard peak between her lips. Her long hair tickled Kathryn's stomach as she lavished attention on her breasts.

The tight coil of arousal was becoming unbearable. She parted her legs, inviting Alzena's hand to explore further. She bit her lip as those fingers brushed over soft curls to rest against her belly.

Alzena sat back, and Kathryn opened her eyes to find the other woman studying her. Never had she felt as naked as she did beneath that gaze. Both of Alzena's hands began stroking up and down her thighs, encouraging them apart and brushing the robe aside. Kathryn's face grew hot as Alzena stared at her wet, swollen flesh and smiled.

"Lie back and relax," Alzena said. She pressed her backward upon the couch. "I want to see all of you."

Alzena's fingers parted her folds and slowly circled her throbbing nub. "So beautiful, this little jewel here. It's hot and swollen. It wants to be touched." Her fingers spread the moisture they found. "Look at you, so wet and creamy. I can't wait to taste you, Kathryn."

Her whole body jerked when Alzena finally pressed her finger against her clitoris. She squirmed helplessly as one of Alzena's long, slender fingers pushed into her and began stroking slowly in and out. She dug her own fingers into the couch cushions and bit her lip again.

"I want to watch you come, Kathryn." Alzena began to slowly stroke her center. "Come for me, beautiful Kathryn."

It was unbearably erotic, to be so spread and vulnerable before this woman. Kathryn surrendered the last of her control, the breath she had been holding escaping with a rush as she gasped and thrust herself against Alzena's touch.

The stroking was slow and gentle, enough to fill her body with sensation, enough to make her sob and squirm, but she needed more. She wanted the fulfillment of climax, so much that she didn't mind this other woman watching her face in the light of the fire.

"Tell me what you want, Kathryn. Tell me how I can make you come for me."

"More," she managed, not recognizing her own voice, lost beneath the sound of her own thundering pulse.

Alzena's finger rubbed harder, and she cried out as the orgasm crashed through her body. For a few glorious moments she was aware of nothing but the pleasure, then she slowly registered the way her inner muscles were clasping the other woman's fingers as her body shook with tremors.

"That was so beautiful, watching you come," Alzena whispered. She leaned forward and kissed Kathryn softly.

Kathryn opened her eyes, studying the way Alzena's long black hair glowed in the firelight. The woman's robe was open, showing off golden skin and the enticing swell of her ample cleavage. She sat up, suddenly intent upon exploring this lovely body before her.

As Alzena had done, she ran her fingers around the borders of the robe, grazing the woman's soft skin. She kissed her, nibbling her lips and sliding her tongue out to nudge them apart. Her tongue explored slowly, tracing the inside of Alzena's lips, then thrust past her small teeth to plunder her mouth thoroughly.

Again she ran her hands over the edges of Alzena's robe. She slid her lips down the woman's elegant throat and pressed her tongue against the fluttering pulse. Her hands moved to untie the robe, and she pushed it away to admire the body it had concealed. Alzena's breasts were round and full, with small dark nipples.

Kathryn watched in fascination as her own white hands moved over Alzena's darker skin, stroking her shoulders and upper arms, then exploring the shape of a collarbone. She dragged one finger over the swell of a breast and smiled at Alzena's sharp gasp.

She cupped one full breast, her thumb teasing the nipple as she watched Alzena close her eyes and lean her head back against the couch. The firelight danced across the woman's features, adding an ethereal quality to her beauty.

And she was beautiful. Beauty in a woman was not something she had ever taken the time to notice before, but in this moment it made her breath quicken. She bent to take a rosy peak between her lips.

Different from a man's flat nipple, she thought as she pressed her tongue against it. The fullness behind it changed the texture somehow. She placed small kisses on the soft flesh before sucking the hard tip in earnest.

Alzena moaned softly, her hand sliding into Kathryn's hair and holding her head to her breast. Kathryn delighted in the response, and spent long minutes pampering each of Alzena's breasts in turn.

She felt Alzena's thigh shift against her own leg, and reached to stroke the inner surface. The other woman responded by spreading her legs, and Kathryn allowed her hand to brush against soft curls.

"Please," Alzena whispered. "I need your touch, Kathryn."

Kathryn sat back for a moment to take in the erotic sight before her. Alzena had shifted, leaning back against the arm of the couch. Her eyes were closed and hands were caressing her own full breasts. Her hot flesh glistened with moisture in the light of the fire, red and swollen in anticipation.

She felt a rush of moisture between her own legs as she witnessed the desire she had inspired. Slowly, she trailed her fingers up and down Alzena's open thighs, drawing out the moment. Her fingertips explored the soft skin where Alzena's legs joined her body, and the backs of Kathryn's fingers brushed against slick outer lips.

Alzena jumped at the contact, pressing herself towards the soft touch. Kathryn could wait no longer to explore this intimate space. She slid a careful finger between those soft lips, spreading moisture as she searched for the places that drew the strongest reactions.

Her finger circled Alzena's hard little nub, then moved down to press into her hot opening before returning to trace around it again. With her other hand, she spread Alzena's folds so she could see the sensitive little jewel.

"Yes," Alzena gasped. She thrust her hips and squirmed upon the couch.

Kathryn began to stroke her slowly, marveling at the results. She was surprised at how arousing it was, to touch another woman so intimately. Any modesty or awkwardness she had felt was gone. She alternated between entering Alzena with her fingers and rubbing her center, listening to her ragged breathing and cries of pleasure.

Alzena climaxed with a cry, and Kathryn delighted in the feel of her inner muscles contracting around her thrusting fingers. She bent her head, kissing each of Alzena's nipples before lightly brushing a kiss across her lips.

"You are beautiful," she whispered. "Thank you for sharing this with me."

Alzena opened her eyes and smiled. "We aren't done yet, beautiful Kathryn. I have yet to taste you."

Kathryn jumped at the contact as Alzena reached between her legs and briefly rubbed her aching center.

"No," Alzena said. "I am far from done with you." She stood and reached for Kathryn's hand.

That touch seemed oddly more intimate than what they had already shared. Kathryn wondered at that as she allowed Alzena to lead her into the bedroom.

"Lie down," Alzena said. "I want to give you a backrub."

Kathryn did as she was told, and was soon moaning at a different sort of pleasure as Alzena worked the knots out of her muscles. The touch slowly became more erotic as it traveled up and down her thighs, then kneaded her buttocks.

She tensed when Alzena's thumbs slipped between her cheeks and applied pressure to the opening there.

"Relax, Kathryn." Alzena kissed the small of her back. "You are as beautiful there as you are everywhere. Now turn over so that I may taste you as I have longed to do since I first saw you in the bar."

The moment she turned over Alzena pushed her legs apart and settled between them. She shuddered as the delicate tongue pressed between her lower lips to lick gently.

"Delicious," Alzena murmured. "You are so wet, so beautiful."

The vibration of the words brought a groan from Kathryn's throat, and she once again surrendered to the pleasure of the moment. She gasped in surprise when Alzena sucked hard, tugging at her lower lips. The unique feeling sent a small orgasmic tremor through her, and she cried out in pleasure.

Alzena's thumbs pressed her open for the exploring tongue, which carefully licked every bit of her flesh before flicking rapidly over her throbbing center. She writhed in pleasure, soon climaxing under the exquisite treatment. Her back arched off the bed as the contractions shook her body. She was aware, through the haze of pleasure, that Alzena was still licking her, drawing out her orgasm.

When she recovered enough to think once again, she realized Alzena was sitting beside her, stroking the hair from her face. Her other hand rested on her belly.

"I want to pleasure you all night," Alzena said.

Kathryn smiled. "I won't argue, but now it's your turn."

Alzena returned her smile and bent to kiss her. She could taste herself on the other woman's lips, and found it surprisingly erotic. She rose up to press Alzena onto her back, smoothing her hands over her stomach and thighs and again enjoying the constrasting skin tones.

She positioned herself between Alzena's thighs, pressing soft, teasing kisses to the soft flesh there before moving her mouth over more intimate parts.

It was something she had been uneasy about, earlier in the evening. Now she knew she couldn't walk away from this experience without exploring it thoroughly. She wanted to know the taste of another woman's arousal, and she wanted to feel Alzena climax against her mouth. She wanted it because she was curious, but she was also aroused by the newness of the experience. Besides, she wasn't one to shy away from something new.

Her tongue slipped carefully between those swollen lower lips to taste Alzena intimately. It wasn't unpleasant, and the resulting gasp of pleasure was very satisfying.

She explored slowly, mapping out pleasure points as Alzena squirmed beneath her. She laid an arm across Alzena's thigh, holding her still as she lapped at her quivering nub. She ran her tongue the full length of Alzena's sex, thrusting up inside her opening before returning to circle her clitoris.

Alzena was vocal in her passion, crying out as she thrashed against the bed. Kathryn took the hard little nub between her lips and sucked it, smiling into the wet flesh when Alzena came against her mouth. She sat up and watched Alzena struggle for breath as she recovered.

"So," Alzena said as she reached for Kathryn's hand. "Pancakes for breakfast? Or shall we just bring the syrup in here?"

Astrogirl's Winter Magic

Spiletta42's J/C Fanfiction

This transformative work constitutes a fair use of any copyrighted material as provided for in section 107 of the US Copyright Law. Star Trek™©, Star Trek: The Next Generation™©, Star Trek: Voyager™© and related properties are Registered Trademarks of Paramount Pictures. No copyright infringement intended. No profits made here. © Spiletta42, November 2002.